Emotions and possessions

Our emotional relationship with objects is vast, the studies of how we relate to our things is widely discussed. Let’s narrow this by considering our possessions. From clothes to cleaning products and books to beauty products and souvenirs. We see our things all the time: they surround us, we use them, maybe admire them, maybe they make us annoyed or irritated and maybe they feel weighty. In the process of decluttering, we’re suddenly forced to take decisions over them, what do we keep/ get rid of/ put aside? It’s a personal and introspective journey, few people can decide except yourself, although a declutterer/organiser supports you to take your decisions. It can be a stressful experience: perhaps the decision-making is difficult in itself, perhaps the reasons for it in the first place are painful. Some of my clients have high stress levels and feel anxious because they’re in a house move, a career change, a relocation, or they’ve lost a loved one.

Marie Kondo (2014) did not underestimate the power of holding a possession in one’s hand. The emotions triggered by touching something (or ‘contamination’ in Belk, 1988: 140) can tell us how we really feel about it. For example, a client came across an item that had been given to them by a close family member who had died a year before. It was an immediate and visceral reaction that connected them to that person as feelings flooded back. We can clearly see how “dealing with things always means dealing with relationships” (Beck 2016: 127). Holding an item is a tactile and tangible practice, I don’t think it matters if it’s a lamp, a necklace, or a teapot, we are all emotionally connected to our belongings.

In the professional decluttering world, we can use the following analogy or personification to help people take difficult decisions: is the item a close friend, a neighbour or an acquaintance? It provides clarity for when decisions become too emotional and allows some perspective — not all the items in your home can be your good friends! What about the items that are aspirational? Those that you seek to define yourself with. The magimix that will transform your cooking skills à la Nigella; the power leggings that will finally make you exercise daily; magic face creams; beer-making sets… some of these you might have and use, great. Others gather dust. The aspirationals — like gifts — are a strange category and difficult to let go of because they bring up guilty emotions, nagging feelings of failure or regret. Despite their physicality, these items feel intangible: they’re hard to pin down as ‘friend, neighbour or acquaintance’ and even whether they will become one in the future. When we don’t see ourselves in them, they’re easier to get rid of (LaBranche 1973 in Belk 1988: 143), but the ‘just in cases’ are difficult. We can see the parallels here with museum professionals’ complex decisions over de-accessioning parts of public collections for whatever reasons (for more on this topic, see Jenny Durrant, also our collaborative blog on Disposals). In our own contexts of possessions at home, if they give off negative vibes, I suggest thinking really hard about whether, realistically, they will be used by your present or future self. Remain cautious of the ‘I would be happy if I could just have… (Belk 1988: 147). And if you can’t see their future, maybe someone just around the corner is getting ready to embark on a home-made beer project.

Clients find it easier to declutter their possessions when they know they can go to a good home. One client stores a box for the things she will give to people she already has in mind. When the box is empty, she calls me, and we start again with a new series of sessions. Texting photos for family and/or friends is an effective way of starting the process of getting them out of the house. I’ve seen many clients say ‘goodbye’ out loud to their possessions. Perhaps the more emotionally connected, the more desperately we want it to bring the same joy to others, akin to a gift that brings the elation we hope it will. Ingrid Samuel has referred to the term “losing well” (in MacDonald, Morgan, Fredheim, 2020: 219). Other systems work where face-to-face exchange with the new owner can give a little dopamine hit (such as through Olio, Facebook marketplace, ebay…) and there are local charity shops, recycling centres or table sales. The sense of satisfaction that comes from something now having a new and a good home can help to counteract any feelings of regret. On this note, there is also the sense of quiet that accompanies reducing possessions in the home. Have their absences now created empty aesthetic spaces? I return to the topic of absences in a later blog. We’ve all seen the tiktoks that proclaim a new feeling of calmness, and I do witness this regularly in my clients’ homes. Some people connect this with interior décor, for me personally it’s about not being surrounded by possessions that are not emotionally valuable and more a question of whether you feel that the possessions in your home are ‘noisy’ or are affecting you negatively.

I like this idea of emotionally ‘noisy’ and ‘quiet’ possessions. We are diverse though and our combined collections of objects are unique to us whatever purpose they serve. A study carried out by Muster et al. (2022: 13) in Berlin showed that the overwhelming response given for keeping items in the home was ‘Joy and pleasure’ (15%). Second and third came usage and convenience, then followed ‘Appearance’ (8%) and ‘Memorable value’ (8%). An object can be noisy for one person but if it works for you, keep it! Similarly, a possession can make you feel sad, it doesn’t have to bring you joy for you to keep it either. In an ideal world, it shouldn’t make you feel fed up though.

Our emotional connections to our possessions are incredibly important. They act as triggers to memories, threads to our families and friends and they bring comfort. My local train station has a new billboard for the charity ‘ageuk’. In large font it questions “Why do we look after old objects, not older people?”. It makes a valid point, which I see and support, but I’m also grappling with it, because I think objects and people are emotionally vested in each other and cannot be disassociated. I’m not sure what a possession is without its human connection, and I find it fascinating that certain possessions become increasingly valued and treasured as one gets older (see Belk 1988 again for more extensive discussions on this).

REFS:

Beck, Petra (2016) in MacDonald, Morgan, Fredheim ‘Heritage Futures’ (2020: 161)

Belk, Russell (1988) ‘Possessions and the Extended Self’

Durrant, Jenny (2024: 103) ‘Humanising collections disposal’ in Collections Management as Critical Museum Practice (ed. Krmpotich, C. and Stevenson, A.)

Muster, Iran, Munsch (2022) ‘The cultural practice of decluttering […]’